So you want a child

I am still holding up the fight of this
dang cold.... and this came across my
email today. I thought it was pretty cute,
so I thought I would send this test to you
all who are young enough to have children,
but don't have any yet. The rest of you can
laugh as I did, because it is pretty close to
the truth.

How To Know Whether or Not You
Are Ready To Have Children

THE MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains. Place a fish stick behind the
couch and leave it there all summer.

THE TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of legos (or you
may substitute roofing tacks). Have a
friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen barefooted.
Do not scream because this would
wake a child at night.

THE GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats
are best) and take them with you as you
shop. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all the arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic
milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug
swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of
the jug on the floor.

THE NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly
in water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 am. Set the alarm for
5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years and look cheerful.

THE INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors
and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into
an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch
tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box
of cocoa puffs. Make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower.

THE AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate chip
cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a
garden rake along both sides of the car.
There....perfect.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach
it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there
for 9 months. Now remove 1/2 of the beans.
Leave it on for the rest of your life.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet
on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for you
payback to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and
read it quietly for the last time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will
have all the answers.