Monday, June 05, 2017

Losing one's child.....

People say, they can’t imagine.. they can’t… unless they have gone thru it themselves.
So many say sorry, and you feel bad for them.. because you know how empty the words sound and they look embarrassed because they feel the same.  You have been there a couple times yourself, telling them you are sorry…

Even I ask myself.. how do I feel?  At first, my brain accepted it as truth.. but my heart did not want to believe it.. still doesn’t.
Can’t say ..why me?  Because .. why not me? after all I am no better than any other human who loses a love one.
One way I felt was…  like I was sitting in a chair, and someone walks up to me.. places a weight on my chest and it slides down to my lap, and walks off..  and as they walk off..I look at them and then my lap.. wondering what do I do with this weight? It seems foreign to me.. the weight given to me. Confusion.. what do I do now? What do I do with this?

Then there is numbness…a separation from life going on around you. You go into autopilot. Do what you have to do.. what is required.  And as you do, you look around at people, you feel almost hurt…. As others go on with life, just like it was before.
You are one of those who went on with life, without knowing the person near you has had their live turn up side down.  You know that it is what it is… but some way you are hurt. Again, the why me, sneaks in a thought, and you answer again.. why not you? It is your turn.  No one wants a turn.. but we all do.

Then you ask God for strength.  To be strong enough to bear this.
After all God only gives you as much as you can take.  But I don’t have as much faith in me, as God seems to.  But I do manage.

People ask me, how are you doing?  And give me hugs, I tell them
I am doing ok. And part of that is right, part of it stings.  

Then I think about the positives.. God reminds me of my daughter’s car accident…she could have died then… She flipped over her riding lawn mower several years ago.. and hit her head on a rock… she could have died then.. And didn’t.  Maybe God was waiting for us to put aside misunderstandings, to rejoin each other’s lives.  As we have had a wonderful memory building relationship for the past 2 and half years. Those memories wrap me in somewhat of a comfort.

My thoughts also go to the fact she was in a good place at the time of her life. She had a husband who worship her, and she, him.
She had a wonderful 6 years with her granddaughter Ava. Ava, her shadow… who did yard work with her.. watched movies as they cuddled, and the cooking times together…and so many wonderful conversations… (you have to meet Ava, to understand how wonderful they were.. I was privy to such ones.)  And then after a 6 year wait.. and grandson enters her life.. The picture of the two of them.. no words are needed to see the love.  She so enjoyed for a little over 2 weeks…before she collapsed.

There is her last post on her facebook, that she tagged me. She asked me for a rose last year.. she had one of her dad’s, and I think her grandmother’s… and wanted one of mine. She liked my candy cane one.  So last year in our trips near her…we dropped it off.. And before she collapsed, she posted a picture of the bloom, she was so thrilled… and so was I when I saw it… 
Then to go back later to her page, and notice the time and when she passed.. just hours differences… makes that rose picture even more meaningful…

I think about the laughs.. the time my youngest and I went to meet her at the coffee shop, in Seaside.. while there to celebrate my 75th birthday. It is early morning.. and my youngest and I decided to wear long skirts… because Julie always did… and when we arrive at the coffee shop… we see Julie coming several blocks from us… and we laugh… because .. Julie of long dresses and skirts.. is wearing JEANS…

Also my husband.. the King.. the first day was telling someone we lost OUR oldest…daughter. It hit me.. as I was saying I lost MY oldest daughter.. see Julie was from a previous marriage. But she was his daughter.. she loved him dearly.. and he .. her..  You could almost say.. she loved him best.. because when she got mad at me.. and didn’t want to talk.. he offered to give her the key back to her house.. and she told him.. NO.. in case you come down, you will have a place to stay.. see … she loved him best… and we laugh about that now.. Julie and I.

So on June 7th… we will CELEBRATE… HER LIFE… the memories she has built with all of us. The King and I, her husband, her two sons, her daughter with her husband and 2 children… her 4 brothers, and 3 sisters… cousins, nieces, nephews, her ex- husband and his wife, who are friends..and so many more..
 So many lives she has touched and changed.  Adults now, but trouble teenages years ago, are leaving notes on her page….. the love they have had for her.. how much she means.  So many friends, who shared good times, bad times, funny times.. her group of gals who drank wine together… she did live a full life in those 56 years… (almost 57) I did get the chance to tell her, how proud I am of her.. I did tell her I loved her and always have… thank God, I got to say those words that we take for granted… 

So Ms. Julie… I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON… and back.. and will check in with you when I see a full moon… and sing .. You are my sunshine.. my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are grey……

And to the King… thank you for these past 18 years.. Happy Anniversary
Sweet guy…  thanks for treating me like a queen, even when I act like a
Bitch at times… love you


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. That has to be very hard. My situation was opposite of yours. I was never estranged from my mother, but for the last 35 years our relationship was not what it should have been. We had the opportunity to re-bond for the last two months of her life, and I cherish that time together. I'm glad you got to re-bond with your daughter, and those are the memories that you should hold dear to your heart!

Mary Ann

Big Piney Woods Cats said...

People don't know what to say or how to react. They always say, "how are you doing" and "if there is anything I can do, let me know." They mean well, of course. How are you doing? I am hurting like hell, my world has changed forever, life will never be the same! Is there anything you can do? I am not going to ask you, just DO IT! The pain lasts, it seems like forever. I know, loosing my husband I resent seeing couples together and I resent reading things about couples and what they do together. So, Cis, in a nutshell, I am not going to ask how you are doing, I know how you are doing. If there is anything I can do, I am not asking, I am hoping you will email me ( and we can have coffee.....Big hugs...........Toni