Laugh for the holidays

Every time I read this... I get tears in my eyes from laughing.
This is not for children to read.
So keep this in mind, if someone suggests a Chili cook off for
Memorial Day bar-b-que...


If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio CityPark.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank,
who was visitingfrom Springfield , IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (NativeTexans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the
score card notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTER BURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to lookHOT. just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics.The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I crap on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's goingto make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report